2007 Pre-Year Awards

With 2007 upon us, it's time to open up the crystal ball and deliver some rock-solid predictions for the new year. While I'm not prepared to predict the end of the world (scroll up), there will certainly be some head-turning events. Let's hand out the awards.

The Michael Richards Career-Killer Award: The list of washed-up former television stars is plentiful, and the possibilities for this selection are endless. Several names popped up, including former Married...With Children star Ed O'Neill, tool man sidekick and Family Feud host Richard Karn and Mad About You's Paul Reiser. All seemingly possess the capability to lose their jewels at any time and could use some publicity. But the award goes to...

Tony Danza
He's one more crappy citcom away from a meltdown.






The Mel Gibson Drunken Rage Award: Again, countless options, from Harrison Ford to these three guys to John Travolta. So who will deliver the goods?

Nicolas Cage
Just look at the guy, he's creepy.








The Nicole Ritchie Off the Deep End Award: A sad category, where seemingly every young Hollywood belle could land. How to choose between Hillary Duff, the Olsen twins or the Ritchie-thin Kate Bosworth. But the choice here is clear.

Ashlee Simpson
She's got it all: the more-famous, better-looking older sister, the crazy dad, the wrong crowd. It's only a matter of time.









The Neil Patrick Harris/Lance Bass Coming Out Party Award: A crucial award, as this can bring an obscure celeb back into the public eye. It's a tough category, however, because gayness in Hollywood is difficult to pinpoint. Is Elijah Wood gay? What about the other hobbits? How about Fred Savage? Warning signs point to this guy:

Jaleel White
What's he doing right now, you ask? He's a motivational speaker.








The Dick Cheney Hunting Accident Award: Politicians love their hunting. And many of them are clearly senile. The combination is dicey. You know there will be more birdshot accidents in 2007, with a who's who of old politicians as the suspects. There's Joe Lieberman, he's creepy looking. We know Howard Dean's got some rage. And it seems about right for a Newt Gingrich citing. But it's hard to argue against the utter cluelessness of one

Bob Dole
Senility has a mascot.









The Dustin Diamond No Way He Released a Sex Tape Award: For those of you out of the loop, Screech -- yes -- Saved By the Bell's Samuel Screech Powers, consciously promoted and released a sex tape to kickstart his career. This is the same guy that appeared on the very short-lived Star Dates, where regular people got the chance to date a "celebrity." So who is that desperate? This is a tough level to achieve. And while Lorenzo Lamas and Luke Perry are on the short list, the nod goes to someone who knows a bit about the award's creator.

Lark Voorhies
I think we can all agree on this one.











The Haley Joel Osment Child Star Meltdown Award: Refresher: HJO crashed his car, was drunk, and possessed marijuana. I would insert a cheesy "I see dead people" joke here, but let's not stoop to that. Dakota Fanning is a trendy choice, but she's only 12 and has braces. Seems unlikely. That leaves us with a simple selection.

Frankie Muniz
He just turned 21, you know he's ready to let go.








Other predictions: The Scarlett Johansson It Girl of the year will be Rachel McAdams. The next NFL star to appear on Dancing With the Stars will be Tony Siragusa. The Vikings will refuse to announce their first-round draft pick in the NFL Draft, citing a competitive advantage. Kim Jong Il will score 400 in one bowling game, a feat thought to be impossible. A new strand of e coli will be linked to Floyd Landis. Ten Miss America finalists will be disqualified after scandalous photos show them gorging themselves at an Old Country Buffet. It should be a fantastic year.

Best of 2006, or, How I Plagiarized Year-End Rankings and Made Quick, Under-Researched Decisions in the Last Few Days to Compile This List

'Tis true, as 'tis the season. I manage to listen to boatloads of snipets from dozens of albums throughout the year, but the easiest way to find the hard-to-find best music of the year is to peruse the myriad of best-ofs out there this time of year. I can assure you, most of the following songs were on my iPod prior to this pillaging, but some were not. Someday, there will be a comprehensive website dedicated to keeping me updated with tunes specifically tailored to my tastes and some designed to expand them. It will be called -- well, I can't think quickly enough to invent a witty, Nils-oriented title. I'll take suggestions. Anyway, the lists.

TOP 50 SONGS OF 2006:

50. "Paradise Here Abouts," Howe Gelb. It's not Edwin McCain. It can't be Edwin McCain. Please don't let this actually be Edwin McCain.
49. "European Oils," Destroyer. I'm not fond of Dan Bejar's voice, but he can craft a song.
48. "Emily Kane," Art Brut. That first crush you obsessed over? Art can relate.
47. "You & I," Graham Coxon. Welcome to the British rock section of the countdown.
46. "Penny On the Train Track," Ben Kweller. It's something good, not something great, as Kweller seeks.
45. "Right In the Head," M. Ward. Sometimes you just like the sound and don't want to talk about it.
44. "Think I'm In Love," Beck. Maybe not the best song on the album, but one of the more easily-accessible.
43. "Lolita," Prince. Poster song for a PG Purple.
42. "On the Radio," Regina Spektor. First in a slew of fantastic female artists to grace this list.
41. "Time Bomb," The Format. Piano grooves that tickle, remind of the Zombies.
40. "Pull Shapes," The Pipettes. Just in time for Dreamgirls.
39. "Cowbell," Tapes 'n Tapes. Tight, well-paced song from Minni'e's breakout band.
38. "Girl In the War," Josh Ritter. One of the rare well-written, non-cliched ballads.
37. "Eanie Meanie," Jim Noir. Not gonna lie, it's here basically because of its presence in World Cup commercials.
36. "Chicago (Multiple Personality Version)," Sufjan Stevens. The most deviant and intriguing of his three alternate "Chicago" versions.
35. "Sister In Love," Envelopes. Hooked on male-female vocal harmonies from less-than-average vocalists.
34. "Ain't No Other Man," Christina Aguilera. I know. But if a song is catchy, it's catchy, and she is certainly not a less-than-average vocalist.
33. "Goodbye," Asobi Seksu. One of my favorite band names, one of the best album covers.
32. "I'm Ready," The Twilight Singers. Played often for motivation at the start of grueling weight-lifting sessions. That's something, right?
31. "Maneater," Nelly Furtado. Gets the nod over "Promiscuous" because of its hard edge.
30. "Long Distance Call," Phoenix. The slightly off-beat pulse is nauseating, but comfortable.
29. "Mothers, Sisters, Daughters and Wives," Voxtrot. Fathers, be good to your daughters. That's what I always say.
28. "Wolf Like Me," TV On the Radio. Everybody's buzz band was just good enough for me.
27. "We're From Barcelona," I'm From Barcelona. This is my style: catchy pop with a little glockenspiel.
26. "Orchids," Califone. Gentle voice and beautiful harmonies with simple orchestration.
25. "Phantom Limb," The Shins. At the moment, my favorite public radio staple.
24. "Chips Ahoy!" The Hold Steady. Power, power, power, and some nasty rock organ.
23. "Annie, Let's Not Wait," Guillemots. My favorite bassline of the year.
22. "Beanbag Chair," Yo La Tengo. Spent days trying to pinpoint female vs. male vocals.
21. "Crane Wife 3," The Decemberists. I wasn't sure a good song could be written using only the three guitar chords I can play. It can.
20. "Rise Up With Fists," Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. Beautiful, soulful...country? Doesn't matter, this is great music despite the genre linkage.
19. "Something Isn't Right," Herbert. Intriguing voice, as though he's singing as a muppet character or after choking down a multi-vitamin.
18. "Boy From School," Hot Chip. The only techno song on the list, I promise.
17. "Thursday," Asobi Seksu. Fabulous echoing vocals and great second-verse instrumental intro.
16. "Smile," Lilly Allen. Possibly a knee-jerk reaction, but like I said, catchy is catchy.
15. "Another Sunny Day," Belle & Sebastian. Just a feel-good, Scottish country song.
14. "My Love," Justin Timberlake. Producer Timbaland probably deserves much of the credit, but JT makes it move.
13. "When You Were Young," The Killers. Why couldn't the rest of the album follow this blueprint?
12. "Goin' On," Flaming Lips. The lone bright spot on a vastly disappointing effort.
11. "Crane Wife 1 & 2," The Decemberists. Colin Meloy can write a beautiful, ten-minute song about perhaps anything.
10. "Weed Party," Band of Horses. Tightest song on a great CD that could place more on this list.
9. "Hold On, Hold On," Neko Case. Right up there with Fiona Apple for best female voice.
8. "There's Been An Accident," The Twilight Singers. The most massive climax of any song on this list, and the pathway is hair-raising.
7. "Crazy," Gnarls Barkley. An undeniably great song. Well-planned, executed and sung.
6. "Sukie In the Graveyard," Belle & Sebastian. Of all the songs on this list, the one that makes my head bounce the liveliest.
5. "Trains To Brazil," Guillemots. Solid vocal, great pace, perfectly-placed horns.
4. "Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken," Camera Obscura. Love the organ intro, love the strings, best female vocal of the year. Stunning.
3. "Mr. Tough," Yo La Tengo. I love the mindset of anyone who can sing a song taunting "Mr. Tough" entirely in falsetto.
2. "The Island, Come and See, The Landlord's Daughter, You'll Not Feel the Drowning," The Decemberists. A fittingly-long title for a twelve-minute romp. Contains easily the most exciting 45 seconds of music this year at around the 8:40 mark. I turn it way up every time.
1. "Stuck Between Stations," The Hold Steady. A song about partying, being young, spontaneous and lost, and done with pure power and guts. Craig Finn's voice complements perfectly, like a don't-give-a-you-know-what punk with brains. Most fun line of the year: "She was a really cool kisser and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian. She was a damn good dancer but she wasn't all that great of a girlfriend." The song's lyrical, storytelling genius goes far beyond what I can explain. For more information, read Stations' lyrics and learn about John Berryhill.


Now, for the other side of the coin...

TEN WORST SONGS OF THE YEAR:

10. "You and Me," Lifehouse. Guy's voice sounds like he's constantly giving birth to a horrible, ugly soft-rock ballad of a baby.
9. "Stars Are Blind," Paris Hilton. Probably could have been the best song in history and still ended up on this list.
8. "Chain Hang Low," Jibbs. The worst sample of all time, until I heard the #3 song on this list.
7. "Move Along," All American Rejects. They obviously took their own advice; all hope is gone for them, yet they keep making music.
6. "You're Beautiful," James Blunt. Say it with me: OVERKILL.
5. "Savin' Me," Nickelback. Surpassed Creed as my least favorite rock band of all time.
4. "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree," KT Tunstall. I don't even care enough to double-check the spelling of her name.
3. "Wind It Up," Gwen Stefani. First I heard "Edelweiss" at a wedding with churchy lyrics. Now, a pop song with a "Lonely Goatherd" sample and yodeling? I give up. Is nothing sacred?
2. "Dance, Dance," Fall Out Boy. This high because of the massive number of times I heard it at bad parties. Bad music makes bad parties awful.
1. Anything touched by Fergie. "My Humps," "London Bridge," "Fergalicious," bring it all on. She is an absolute disgrace to music everywhere.

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