2007 Pre-Year Awards

With 2007 upon us, it's time to open up the crystal ball and deliver some rock-solid predictions for the new year. While I'm not prepared to predict the end of the world (scroll up), there will certainly be some head-turning events. Let's hand out the awards.

The Michael Richards Career-Killer Award: The list of washed-up former television stars is plentiful, and the possibilities for this selection are endless. Several names popped up, including former Married...With Children star Ed O'Neill, tool man sidekick and Family Feud host Richard Karn and Mad About You's Paul Reiser. All seemingly possess the capability to lose their jewels at any time and could use some publicity. But the award goes to...

Tony Danza
He's one more crappy citcom away from a meltdown.






The Mel Gibson Drunken Rage Award: Again, countless options, from Harrison Ford to these three guys to John Travolta. So who will deliver the goods?

Nicolas Cage
Just look at the guy, he's creepy.








The Nicole Ritchie Off the Deep End Award: A sad category, where seemingly every young Hollywood belle could land. How to choose between Hillary Duff, the Olsen twins or the Ritchie-thin Kate Bosworth. But the choice here is clear.

Ashlee Simpson
She's got it all: the more-famous, better-looking older sister, the crazy dad, the wrong crowd. It's only a matter of time.









The Neil Patrick Harris/Lance Bass Coming Out Party Award: A crucial award, as this can bring an obscure celeb back into the public eye. It's a tough category, however, because gayness in Hollywood is difficult to pinpoint. Is Elijah Wood gay? What about the other hobbits? How about Fred Savage? Warning signs point to this guy:

Jaleel White
What's he doing right now, you ask? He's a motivational speaker.








The Dick Cheney Hunting Accident Award: Politicians love their hunting. And many of them are clearly senile. The combination is dicey. You know there will be more birdshot accidents in 2007, with a who's who of old politicians as the suspects. There's Joe Lieberman, he's creepy looking. We know Howard Dean's got some rage. And it seems about right for a Newt Gingrich citing. But it's hard to argue against the utter cluelessness of one

Bob Dole
Senility has a mascot.









The Dustin Diamond No Way He Released a Sex Tape Award: For those of you out of the loop, Screech -- yes -- Saved By the Bell's Samuel Screech Powers, consciously promoted and released a sex tape to kickstart his career. This is the same guy that appeared on the very short-lived Star Dates, where regular people got the chance to date a "celebrity." So who is that desperate? This is a tough level to achieve. And while Lorenzo Lamas and Luke Perry are on the short list, the nod goes to someone who knows a bit about the award's creator.

Lark Voorhies
I think we can all agree on this one.











The Haley Joel Osment Child Star Meltdown Award: Refresher: HJO crashed his car, was drunk, and possessed marijuana. I would insert a cheesy "I see dead people" joke here, but let's not stoop to that. Dakota Fanning is a trendy choice, but she's only 12 and has braces. Seems unlikely. That leaves us with a simple selection.

Frankie Muniz
He just turned 21, you know he's ready to let go.








Other predictions: The Scarlett Johansson It Girl of the year will be Rachel McAdams. The next NFL star to appear on Dancing With the Stars will be Tony Siragusa. The Vikings will refuse to announce their first-round draft pick in the NFL Draft, citing a competitive advantage. Kim Jong Il will score 400 in one bowling game, a feat thought to be impossible. A new strand of e coli will be linked to Floyd Landis. Ten Miss America finalists will be disqualified after scandalous photos show them gorging themselves at an Old Country Buffet. It should be a fantastic year.