Lost In Qwestlation

Last night, I learned the answer to that time-tested riddle: what is the most frustrating experience in the world? I can tell you now with complete certainty, it is dealing with the technical support staff of Qwest Communications.

I had internet problems. I have this nifty program called QwestCare (of course they do) that runs me in wizard-like fashion through a step-by-step process to determine the whereabouts of the problem. Once finished, it gives you a QwestCare Code, which it instructs you to present to a customer service representative. Code in hand, I dialed the number.

"Hello my name is __________, my badge number is __________, how may I assist you today."
"My internet isn't working."
"OK sir, what is your name"
"N-I-L-S"
"OK"
"H-O-E-G-E-R-(HYPHEN)L-E-R-D-A-L"
"THANK YOU, WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS"
...on and on, no problem. They're checking my records.

Ten minutes...

"Sir?"
"Yes."
"Hello?"
"Yes, hi."
"Oh hi. Sir?"
"Yes?"
"I checked the records and I don't find an account. Let's run through your name again. Your first name is M-Y-L-F, yes?"
"No, it's an 'I.'"
"Oh, OK, M-Y-L-F-I"
"No, N, not M. N as in...I don't know, N."
"OK, N-Y-"
"No Y. I."
"N-I-L-F"
"N-I-L-S, S as in...skateboard?"
"F?"
"No, S as in Susan."
"Oh OK. Sir?"
"Yes."
"Last name?"

You get the idea. I was on the phone for nearly a half hour literally spelling out my name (with corresponding words that start with that letter--"L as in 'lord god help me," "G as in go @#%#@$ yourself") and address.

I was put on hold.

"Sir?"
"Yes."
"What is the telephone number of the account?"
"I don't have a telephone number."
"Oh. Well, I need that number in order to access your account."
"The only way I can get that number is to get online, and I can't get online because your internet isn't working. Don't you see the flaw in this system?"
"Can I put you on hold while I transfer to another department?"

Hold. After 45 minutes, I hung up. Got the number, and called back. An additional 45 minutes and several cord unpluggings and jostlings later, the techie decided to click a button, instantly fixing my problem.

"It looks like your connection is fully operating."

It literally takes 30 seconds.

Now, I was trying my best to stay calm and not take it out on the support people. It isn't their fault my internet isn't working. It isn't their fault they are working in Indonesia. It isn't their fault that Qwest hired them, knowing that their English isn't great, let alone audible. But it's still frustrating. Can't they have one person on staff purely for translation and comprehension emergencies? Someone to just speak the letters and numbers back plainly? I may sound a bit arrogant, but you weren't just called 'Mylfi.' The other thing that I found funny were the words they used to make it clear what letter they were saying. For example, if you were saying 'D,' wouldn't you say something like "D as in dog," making it completely obvious what letter it was? No, she says "D as in deer (could be dear)." Well I'm thinking she's saying "B as in beer." Another example: she says "P as in Paul." Again, I'm hearing "B as in ball." Think about the words you're using to clarify. Please. I can't take another night of MYLF jokes.

THAT'S OUR SPIRIT OF SERVICE IN ACTION.